Thanks to Julie Coraccio for allowing People On Dating permission to use this article .
Look out for our episode on People On Dating Podcast with Julie Coraccio coming out soon.
A lot of us have problems saying no. If we aren’t able to do this it can create clutter in our lives.
Ways clutter manifests when we can’t say no:
Physical: I had a client that couldn’t say no to storing things for people. In his basement he had his work area to refinish furniture how he made his living and he had three large armoires he was holding for someone! This was taking up space where he earned a living! I have seen others have boxes from relatives/parents because no one else wants them, but they don’t want them thrown out, so they give them to the person they know won’t say no.
Mental: Have you ever had someone ask you to borrow money and you couldn’t say no? That could increase your anxiety or fear of not being paid back. You can have extreme mental clutter when your thoughts can become so overpowered by others that you might not be able to separate what you truly think from someone else.
Emotional: Not being able to say no can make you really angry; even if you don’t do anything now, eventually your anger will come out. Another way create emotional clutter is if we have this happen a lot and we are unable to forgive others who haven’t respected us when we say no. Not forgiving people can take up an enormous part of emotional energy.
Spiritual. If you are unable to say no you can create spiritual clutter. I had a friend who told people she was staying with me; I lived in another state at the time, when she was really having an affair. I found out about it and asked her not to do it anymore. If I had not said anything, I would have been going against my spiritual integrity. I have heard stories about people who embezzle. Sometimes those involved new it was wrong, but they couldn’t say no to the person asking for their help.
Reasons Why We Don’t Say No!
I used to feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I said no—it didn’t matter if I dint want to do something, when I did I still felt bad. I wanted to please people and have them like and approve of me. We think people will love us more, but often, they have less respect for us.
We might be in an unhealthy co dependent relationship. I encourage you if you have trouble saying no and it’s creating a lot of clutter for you to dig a little deeper and see what is going on and how you can strengthen your ability to say no.
We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. For a long time, I was friends with someone who wasn’t kind to me. But, I really liked her father and was afraid that I would hurt his feelings. I finally had enough one day and just stopped saying yes to hanging out with this person.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Say No
This is much easier said than done for sure. I still struggle with this.
Use the word NO. Don’t dance around.
Be brief—you do not need to explain why you are saying no. I used to do this all the time and still occasionally do.
I am not able to commit to that right now.
More Ways to Say No
I really appreciate/am honored you asked me, but I can’t do it.
I understand you really need my help, but I am not able to say yes to that.
I have to say no for now, but I will let you know if something changes.
And the best one I saw on social media the other day. No, I am sorry I have to go walk my pet unicorn.
If you do want to share, be honest about why. If you lie you will probably get caught—especially with social media these days!
More Options for Saying No
There are some people who won’t take no for an answer, so be prepared that you might have to do it a few times. I would really think hard about someone who doesn’t honor your request the first time.
Enlist a friend if you need to. I needed to say no to someone once over the phone—it was a babysitting job—and I made my friend hold my hand.
Practice in the mirror. Write out what you are going to say, even if it No, I am not able to.
Don’t apologize—it is your right to say no. I used to start so many sentences with I am sorry because of the guilt I felt. You are allowed to choose what you would like to do and whom you would like to help.
My Most Important Advice for Saying No
If people in your life don’t accept it when you say no, maybe they shouldn’t be in your life. Two weeks before I was leaving for my honeymoon to Italy my “friend” asked me to find her some people to work a show in Raleigh. She was from out of town and I worked for them the year I stated my business. I said I did not have time before I left. They never contacted me again after that—I said I would be happy to work. No response, nothing. So it became apparent, I was only a friend when I did something it wasn’t okay for me to say no. I am happy to say the “friendship” faded away and I am grateful to learn where I stood when I said no.
Where do you struggle to say no?
I am going to encourage you to come up with a plan or enlist someone’s support. Do not worry if you struggle with this a lot. I used to and with practice I am a lot better than I used to be. I also have my husband and close friends for back up, so seek out those friends that would be supportive. Ask people who you admire how they say no.
Thanks to Julie Coraccio for providing this article to People On Dating Podcast.
You can find Julie at :
- https://reawakenyourbrilliance.com/
- https://twitter.com/ReawakeBrillian
- https://www.instagram.com/reawakenyourbrilliance/
- https://www.linkedin.com/in/juliescoraccio/
- https://www.youtube.com/user/SeibertRadio
